it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Help. Why am I so naked?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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