My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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