Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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