The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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