Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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