The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
