Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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