My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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