1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
