if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize