I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Let's get the cat blown out
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
