i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
