Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
