My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize