ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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