you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
