he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
