yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
