My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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