I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
