1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
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