My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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