I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize
