How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Your penis caused this!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
