I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
