i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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