I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
