I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
