By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Randomize
