i would punch a child for taco bell
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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