i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
