There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
