Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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