There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
