apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
