If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
