On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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