Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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