this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
