you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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