yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Boobs are out for the taking
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
