I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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