this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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