I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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