i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
