I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
