he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
