your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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