Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
