No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
