Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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