Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
