Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
