I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize