My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
