I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
we're so committed to being not committed
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
