no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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