Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
