She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
